[ one hit isn't really enough to get any kind of real buzz going just yet, but it's enough to start working at the tension billy's been holding in his shoulders, in his back, and as he exhales, the stiffness in his muscles starts to go with it, melting out of him and allowing him to relax a little more. on the inside, in his brain and somewhere around his ribs, he still feels a little bit chaotic, a little bit unsure of how any of this is going to play out, but physically he feels lax and loose.
as marcus talks, billy listens like he always does, his gaze still mostly focused on is sneakers across the room, joing pinched carefully between his fingers, his other hand still pinned under marcus's, still hot against his knee. he starts to nod when marcus says he's scared, because he can relate, if only a little bit - it's not the first time billy will have fucked around with another dude, even if marcus doesn't know that, but it'll be the first time he's fucked around with a friend -, but then he immediately pauses mid-nod, his eyebrows pinching sharply. billy, out of marcus league?
billy huffs an incredulous breath out through his nose, shaking his head a little bit as he dips his chin and brings the spliff up to his mouth, eyes slightly crossed so he can look at the end flare up when he inhales. out of marcus' league - fucking please. billy holds the smoke in his lungs for a few long moments, shifting his attention as marcus tapers off and only just realizing how much marcus has been touching his hand, and how much it hasn't bothered it. how much he actually of enjoys it, the warmth of his fingers, the gentle, ghosting touches to his knuckles, to the inside of his wrist. he looks down at their hands then, just a second or two before marcus takes his away, and he thinks, fuck, i shouldn't have looked, because then maybe marcus would have stayed next to him, kept it up.
he tries not to take it personally, because he'll spiral if he does, and he shifts to lean back on that hand instead, blowing out that lungful of smoke, head tipped back a little so it goes up toward the water-stained ceiling. when marcus admits that he's worried he might be tricking billy, billy's head snaps back down so he can look at him. billy stares at him, and he wets his bottom lip, trying to think of what he wants to say, something that will get his thoughts across without scaring marcus off more than he already has, considering he's across the room now, but marcus just keeps talking. he's good at that, once he gets going, but billy doesn't mind. he's always thought marcus has a nice voice, smooth and with a pitch that fits him well.
by the time marcus has gotten everything out, he's stopped in front of billy, and billy hasn't said much of anything at all. he's still processing most of it, still trying to get past marcus thinking billy is somehow better than him or above him or undeserving of his attention or - whatever, so he just looks up at marcus, critical, curious. his eyes are slightly narrowed as he tries to filter through his thoughts, brain starting to feel a little bit cloudy now, but not enough to slow him down. he takes another hit off the joint, knowing he's gonna pass it off in a second, and exhales as he talks. ]
First of all - I'm an idiot, but I'm not stupid. You can't trick me if I know exactly what we're doing. [ or, what they're going to do, if they can get past this part. he blows the rest of the smoke out, sits up and takes his weight off of his hand, forcing himself to have to look up at marcus now that it puts him a little closer. he forces himself to keep talking. ] If you asked me to jerk you off back home, I'd probably ask if you were serious first, but - you know, whatever. What's a handy between friends?
[ he tries to sound casual, which is a little easier than he expects, but maybe it's just because he's being honest. marcus is his best friend, and billy trusts him with anything, with his entire life, all his secrets. if there's any dude he'd jerk off without feeling slightly panicky about it, without the anxiety and the fear of somehow being found out by his father, it'd be marcus. and gene isn't anything billy has to worry about now, thanks to marcus.
billy holds the joint out towards marcus' hand, turning his own so it's easier for marcus to take from him, and when he eventually does take it, billy very intentionally lets his hand fall and catch at marcus' hip. he's still nervous as fuck, but at least the weed is mellowing him out a little, enough so that he feels okay keeping his hand there. ] Bee: you're fuckin' backwards, man. You're outta my league. So.
[ there's no if i were into guys, no no homo tagged on there, either because billy isn't really thinking about it, or maybe he just - doesn't care enough anymore to feel scared about protecting a part of himself that he's tiptoed around for a while now. not around marcus.
again, he tries to make things feel less suffocating by tossing in something that's meant to be funny, laughing a little awkwardly. ]
As long as you don't like - rip it off like you're trying to, to- start a goddamn lawnmower or something, it'll be fine. And I'll, uh... [ he pauses here, losing some of the humor, clearing his throat. ] I'll - help. If you feel like you're fucking up, or whatever.
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as marcus talks, billy listens like he always does, his gaze still mostly focused on is sneakers across the room, joing pinched carefully between his fingers, his other hand still pinned under marcus's, still hot against his knee. he starts to nod when marcus says he's scared, because he can relate, if only a little bit - it's not the first time billy will have fucked around with another dude, even if marcus doesn't know that, but it'll be the first time he's fucked around with a friend -, but then he immediately pauses mid-nod, his eyebrows pinching sharply. billy, out of marcus league?
billy huffs an incredulous breath out through his nose, shaking his head a little bit as he dips his chin and brings the spliff up to his mouth, eyes slightly crossed so he can look at the end flare up when he inhales. out of marcus' league - fucking please. billy holds the smoke in his lungs for a few long moments, shifting his attention as marcus tapers off and only just realizing how much marcus has been touching his hand, and how much it hasn't bothered it. how much he actually of enjoys it, the warmth of his fingers, the gentle, ghosting touches to his knuckles, to the inside of his wrist. he looks down at their hands then, just a second or two before marcus takes his away, and he thinks, fuck, i shouldn't have looked, because then maybe marcus would have stayed next to him, kept it up.
he tries not to take it personally, because he'll spiral if he does, and he shifts to lean back on that hand instead, blowing out that lungful of smoke, head tipped back a little so it goes up toward the water-stained ceiling. when marcus admits that he's worried he might be tricking billy, billy's head snaps back down so he can look at him. billy stares at him, and he wets his bottom lip, trying to think of what he wants to say, something that will get his thoughts across without scaring marcus off more than he already has, considering he's across the room now, but marcus just keeps talking. he's good at that, once he gets going, but billy doesn't mind. he's always thought marcus has a nice voice, smooth and with a pitch that fits him well.
by the time marcus has gotten everything out, he's stopped in front of billy, and billy hasn't said much of anything at all. he's still processing most of it, still trying to get past marcus thinking billy is somehow better than him or above him or undeserving of his attention or - whatever, so he just looks up at marcus, critical, curious. his eyes are slightly narrowed as he tries to filter through his thoughts, brain starting to feel a little bit cloudy now, but not enough to slow him down. he takes another hit off the joint, knowing he's gonna pass it off in a second, and exhales as he talks. ]
First of all - I'm an idiot, but I'm not stupid. You can't trick me if I know exactly what we're doing. [ or, what they're going to do, if they can get past this part. he blows the rest of the smoke out, sits up and takes his weight off of his hand, forcing himself to have to look up at marcus now that it puts him a little closer. he forces himself to keep talking. ] If you asked me to jerk you off back home, I'd probably ask if you were serious first, but - you know, whatever. What's a handy between friends?
[ he tries to sound casual, which is a little easier than he expects, but maybe it's just because he's being honest. marcus is his best friend, and billy trusts him with anything, with his entire life, all his secrets. if there's any dude he'd jerk off without feeling slightly panicky about it, without the anxiety and the fear of somehow being found out by his father, it'd be marcus. and gene isn't anything billy has to worry about now, thanks to marcus.
billy holds the joint out towards marcus' hand, turning his own so it's easier for marcus to take from him, and when he eventually does take it, billy very intentionally lets his hand fall and catch at marcus' hip. he's still nervous as fuck, but at least the weed is mellowing him out a little, enough so that he feels okay keeping his hand there. ] Bee: you're fuckin' backwards, man. You're outta my league. So.
[ there's no if i were into guys, no no homo tagged on there, either because billy isn't really thinking about it, or maybe he just - doesn't care enough anymore to feel scared about protecting a part of himself that he's tiptoed around for a while now. not around marcus.
again, he tries to make things feel less suffocating by tossing in something that's meant to be funny, laughing a little awkwardly. ]
As long as you don't like - rip it off like you're trying to, to- start a goddamn lawnmower or something, it'll be fine. And I'll, uh... [ he pauses here, losing some of the humor, clearing his throat. ] I'll - help. If you feel like you're fucking up, or whatever.