[ now that marcus is directly calling him out on it, billy feels kind of like an asshole for ever stressing about how marcus might react if he were to come right out and say he's into dudes, that he's into the stuff he and marcus do together, because - because it's marcus. he's never been shitty to billy, he fucking killed for him - smashed an ashtray over gene's head while that fucking prick was spouting homophobic shit.
billy never should have doubted him, but. ]
kind of? i guess i know you're not like that, but i don't know i guess getting my ass beat for it over and over again by my dad who didn't even truly know and assholes like viktor and chico who don't even fucking matter just kinda makes you feel like everyone's gonna react the same way it's stupid
i feel safe with you too like there are some cool people here i guess but no one really gets it, you know? you do, though. you get me, and i like to think that i get you
[ ... ]
i'm pretty sure i saw like an old watch tower or something out by the edge of camp i think this place used to be some kind of military base? looks like it anyway but the windows were dirty as shit so i don't think anyone's used it for a while maybe we could climb up there and if we don't plummet to our deaths it can be our spot
[ for lying. for not coming clean about a few of the other things he's still hiding. tate, henry. he can talk about honesty and swear loyalty to billy as much as he wants, but words are just words, at the end of the day, and these big sweeping gestures he keeps doing - making mixtapes, killing fathers - are just bandaids over the bigger, deeper cuts, here. he doesn't know how to make friends. doesn't know how to keep people. doesn't know how to not be selfish. he loves billy, but how much of that because billy is billy, and how much of it is because billy is here, with him, and loving him back? he'd like to say he knows the answer to that - but do normal people have doubts like these? thoughts like these? how much of his depression is real?
there's a delay before billy gets a follow-up message. ]
well... victor's gayer than both of us combined. not an insult, obviously. just a fact. i told you how i met him, right? we were in the showers and he was kicking shabman's ass. he was totally hard. dude's compensating. and chico? dude, his days are numbered. i'll take out anyone who hurts you. you know that.
i can meet you there. if you want. i kind of hate texting still.
[ the impulsive, stupid, childish side of billy wants to joke around and ask marcus why he was even looking at viktor's dick in the first place, but - time and place, and making dumb jokes right off the coattails of, more or less, both of them coming out, just seems kind of shitty, so. he doesn't. he laughs a little to himself, trying to imagine the scene - marcus walking into the showers, probably just wanting like, five fucking minutes to himself without someone being up his ass about something, and finding shamnam and viktor of all fucking people, half-to-buttass naked.
man. billy would rather drink bleach. he exhales slowly, feeling a little anxious, but - mostly okay. tired, definitely like he could burn a little grass. ]
yeah, okay. see you there in twenty? i gotta swing back by my tent first.
[ not that it's any of his business, but if they're going somewhere together, marcus wants to make sure billy is, like, completely on board with it. if he's going back to his tent to cancel his other plans, or... to put away something he would have been doing if marcus hadn't strong armed him into going to that new place of theirs now instead of later, then - that's something he needs to know, right? billy's not like the other people marcus knows. marcus wants to do things for him just to do things for him. he wants to make sure he's doing this right.
or - christ, is he overthinking this again? why is he overthinking so much in this conversation? marcus runs his hand back through his hair, taps out something quick. ]
sorry that was a strange and interrogation-adjacent question to ask twenty sounds good bring what you can find? vinyls or whatever doubt you thought to bring music to camp but yeah
[ billy, however, doesn't really seem all that bothered by the questioning. ]
i'm just grabbing the weed, dude i decided not to carry it on me these pockets are like an inch deep, i'm not risking it aside from that, all i've got is my board and all these clothes i'm not allowed to wear
i'll see what i can find, though if people are stealing shit from other people, we might as well get in on it too
[ what the fuck, his stupid uniform doesn't have pockets. he hates this fucking place. ]
thats actually not a bad idea, though. going through bags. security can't be that tight. i snagged willie's wallet the first day i met him right from under master lin's nose. i've got deft hands.
i'm only hitting up dom tents though not really into kicking the beaten when they're already down what do you say i be the distraction, you dip in and see what you can find?
can't believe i really am just giving out handjobs to anyone who asks.
[ "anyone who asks" being billy, despite the fact that it's marcus who keeps asking to fool around. real selective way of framing the current state of their relationship. ]
weren't you just hounding me about whether or not i wear underwear don't act like you're above me, dick
[ but billy laughs, starting to make his way back to his and geralt's tent so he can grab his shit before he and marcus start grabbing other people's shit. ]
my existence is already a distraction it doesn't take a whole lot, dude
at least i don't talk to girls with boyfriends who could absolutely kill me
[ that's... probably like every girl with a boyfriend at king's, honestly. also, billy's just joking about the whole googly eyes at maria thing. mostly. chico probably does want to kill marcus, but chico kinda wants to kill everyone, so.
anyway. onto... questions he doesn't really want to answer, despite this whole honesty thing they've just started getting into. admittedly, billy hasn't really... played the field, so to speak. fucking three times a month isn't much in the grand scheme of things, so he hasn't been sweating it too much - but it also helps that he's been able to meet quota just messing around with marcus, easy.
but how fucking pathetic is that, that he's just been banking on wanking with his friend? marcus has probably fucked a dozen people by now, which is fine - the dude deserves it, and he's attractive enough that he can't imagine it being easy to turn him down. billy's just - billy. the weird kid that even the weird girls don't like. he could probably find someone willing to show him a little pity (gross) if he tried, but honestly, the last casual hookup he had wound up making him feel kind of bad in hindsight, so... is it even worth it?
fucking - whatever. ]
nah, not really i get by with you, i don't really stress about it too much
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
billy never should have doubted him, but. ]
kind of?
i guess
i know you're not like that, but
i don't know
i guess getting my ass beat for it over and over again
by my dad who didn't even truly know
and assholes like viktor and chico who don't even fucking matter
just kinda makes you feel like everyone's gonna react the same way
it's stupid
i feel safe with you too
like there are some cool people here i guess but
no one really gets it, you know?
you do, though.
you get me, and i like to think that i get you
[ ... ]
i'm pretty sure i saw like
an old watch tower or something out by the edge of camp
i think this place used to be some kind of military base?
looks like it anyway
but the windows were dirty as shit so i don't think anyone's used it for a while
maybe we could climb up there
and if we don't plummet to our deaths
it can be our spot
no subject
i'm sorry.
[ for lying. for not coming clean about a few of the other things he's still hiding. tate, henry. he can talk about honesty and swear loyalty to billy as much as he wants, but words are just words, at the end of the day, and these big sweeping gestures he keeps doing - making mixtapes, killing fathers - are just bandaids over the bigger, deeper cuts, here. he doesn't know how to make friends. doesn't know how to keep people. doesn't know how to not be selfish. he loves billy, but how much of that because billy is billy, and how much of it is because billy is here, with him, and loving him back? he'd like to say he knows the answer to that - but do normal people have doubts like these? thoughts like these? how much of his depression is real?
there's a delay before billy gets a follow-up message. ]
well...
victor's gayer than both of us combined. not an insult, obviously. just a fact.
i told you how i met him, right? we were in the showers and he was kicking shabman's ass.
he was totally hard.
dude's compensating.
and chico? dude, his days are numbered.
i'll take out anyone who hurts you. you know that.
i can meet you there. if you want.
i kind of hate texting still.
no subject
man. billy would rather drink bleach. he exhales slowly, feeling a little anxious, but - mostly okay. tired, definitely like he could burn a little grass. ]
yeah, okay.
see you there in twenty?
i gotta swing back by my tent first.
no subject
[ not that it's any of his business, but if they're going somewhere together, marcus wants to make sure billy is, like, completely on board with it. if he's going back to his tent to cancel his other plans, or... to put away something he would have been doing if marcus hadn't strong armed him into going to that new place of theirs now instead of later, then - that's something he needs to know, right? billy's not like the other people marcus knows. marcus wants to do things for him just to do things for him. he wants to make sure he's doing this right.
or - christ, is he overthinking this again? why is he overthinking so much in this conversation? marcus runs his hand back through his hair, taps out something quick. ]
sorry
that was a strange and interrogation-adjacent question to ask
twenty sounds good
bring what you can find? vinyls or whatever
doubt you thought to bring music to camp but yeah
no subject
i'm just grabbing the weed, dude
i decided not to carry it on me
these pockets are like an inch deep, i'm not risking it
aside from that, all i've got is my board and all these clothes i'm not allowed to wear
i'll see what i can find, though
if people are stealing shit from other people, we might as well get in on it too
no subject
[ what the fuck, his stupid uniform doesn't have pockets. he hates this fucking place. ]
thats actually not a bad idea, though. going through bags.
security can't be that tight.
i snagged willie's wallet the first day i met him right from under master lin's nose.
i've got deft hands.
no subject
[ ey eyy. ]
i'm only hitting up dom tents though
not really into kicking the beaten when they're already down
what do you say
i be the distraction, you dip in and see what you can find?
no subject
[ "anyone who asks" being billy, despite the fact that it's marcus who keeps asking to fool around. real selective way of framing the current state of their relationship. ]
how are you planning to distract people, exactly?
no subject
don't act like you're above me, dick
[ but billy laughs, starting to make his way back to his and geralt's tent so he can grab his shit before he and marcus start grabbing other people's shit. ]
my existence is already a distraction
it doesn't take a whole lot, dude
[ ... ]
but i might just flash my ass if all else fails
no subject
except when it comes to talking to girls.
[ sorry to bring up the petra thing again, but christ, dude, what even was that. ]
speaking of that.
have you uh
[ ... ]
i mean
is that something you've pursued since coming here
[ wait, he didn't say what he's talking about, he just thought it. hastily - ]
like
getting fucked
or whatever
no subject
[ that's... probably like every girl with a boyfriend at king's, honestly. also, billy's just joking about the whole googly eyes at maria thing. mostly. chico probably does want to kill marcus, but chico kinda wants to kill everyone, so.
anyway. onto... questions he doesn't really want to answer, despite this whole honesty thing they've just started getting into. admittedly, billy hasn't really... played the field, so to speak. fucking three times a month isn't much in the grand scheme of things, so he hasn't been sweating it too much - but it also helps that he's been able to meet quota just messing around with marcus, easy.
but how fucking pathetic is that, that he's just been banking on wanking with his friend? marcus has probably fucked a dozen people by now, which is fine - the dude deserves it, and he's attractive enough that he can't imagine it being easy to turn him down. billy's just - billy. the weird kid that even the weird girls don't like. he could probably find someone willing to show him a little pity (gross) if he tried, but honestly, the last casual hookup he had wound up making him feel kind of bad in hindsight, so... is it even worth it?
fucking - whatever. ]
nah, not really
i get by with you, i don't really stress about it too much