that doesn't sound like an invitation or like you want it just sounds like you'd deal with a bj if you had to
[ he doesn't know why he's tiptoeing around this - it's not the first time he and billy have talked about... things of this nature. marcus just still hasn't fully grasped that whole brave honesty thing. ]
not sure i want you flirting with someone while they're jabbing hot metal spikes into my face assuming she's the one doing it and assuming you even have the guts to say something to her
[ billy doesn't know why he always tiptoes around this shit, either. on the one hand, he doesn't really care what anyone thinks about his sexuality anymore - he's been called enough names, beaten up enough times by peers and family alike that at this point it's just - less tiring to not care about it, and he doesn't really think marcus would be shitty to him if he were to just come straight (ha) out and say that he's into chicks and dudes alike, if that much isn't already staggeringly obvious, but.
but it would really, really suck if marcus was, shitty about it, and the slight, lingering fear that maybe he could be wrong about his friend, and the fear of rejection itself, is probably what holds him back the most. you know, friendly handjobs aside. ]
i've dyed her hair for her and you think i don't have the guts to talk to her? i've been inside her house, marcus
[ and none of that means anything because he'd probably still trip over his words if harley was at work while he was tagging along with marcus to get pierced. irrelevant. ]
anyway, like everyone she's way way out of my league i just think she's cool, that's it
i'm not into begging. i'm into hearing literally any semblance of sincerity from the person i'm trying to hook up with. just a simple "yes, marcus, i would love for you to suck my cock" would do. god damn.
[ he's - not sure why he's irritated, but. whatever. fear of rejection, maybe. they're the same, in that regard. ]
do you want me to give you a crash course in asking girls out? not that i have much experience, either, but i saw how badly you screwed up with petra.
did i not say that? "blow me dude", is that not the same thing? you're the poet here, dude, cut me some slack
okay listen i may have come on a little strong telling her that i was in love with her but in my defense god had abandoned us, left me hanging, so that's not my fault like who seriously doesn't have quaker oats in their house? even when we were shit broke at home we still had quaker oats
come to think of it i haven't seen a single box of quaker oats since i got here. the whole city, i mean. obviously. not just camp. maybe thats what we can do once we're back. raid whatever stores will serve us on an insatiable quest for cereal.
[ extremely unhelpful. marcus only types a little more because this is billy, of all people, and billy deserves it. ]
i don't even know what i'm asking for keeping up a respectable distance padded by quasi-masculine bravado and tentative uncertainty has been the modus operandi behind our breaches into physical intimacy seems like its fucked up of me to challenge that just because my feelings are hurt fucked up of me to get my feelings hurt in the first place
[ that's immediate, zero hesitation, shot back to marcus within like ten seconds of his text. he's getting good at texting, apparently. however—
there's a lull, after that, a little heavy with tension at least on billy's end as he goes back and forth on whether or not he should say anything else. if he even wants to, or if he's okay with this thing they've been dancing around that marcus has way too many big words for. ]
i just don't want to make it weird?
[ another pause. ]
for you.
[ aaand another, longer this time. ]
i like what we do. probably more than anything else i do with anyone else
right. well, i'm sorry if i'm making it weird. for me. personally, i'm kind of sick of the lack of transparency around here. i lie every fucking day. i swear to god i didn't lie this much back home. it's exhausting. i don't want to lie to you. but i've lied to you since being here, too.
[ fuck - wait, he doesn't want billy to start questioning that, pulling at threads. he hurries - ]
like, i'm not straight. i said i was. i thought i was. but, like. i'm not. you know i'm not. i wouldn't be asking to suck your dick and getting hurt when you don't fucking break your ankles jumping at the opportunity if i were straight. right?
[ it's a good thing marcus is quick to clarify, because there were definitely like - two seconds of confusion and mild betrayal there for a second. not enough time to start scrambling for what marcus could have been lying to him about this whole time, though.
is it weird to feel relieved when your friend comes out to you? it's probably weird, but billy feels relieved all the same, like there's a secret he doesn't have to stress about keeping anymore. not that he was ever keeping marcus' own sexuality a secret from himself, but. deciding someone's sexuality for them, even in the face of several instances of plausible evidence, isn't cool.
but jesus, now he also doesn't have to worry about marcus being some kind of secret shithead about his sexuality, either. ]
i mean yeah i don't think straight dudes get upset when another dude turns down a BJ from them not that i was turning you down because i wasn't but it's not up to me to tell you you're probably not as straight as you think you are or thought you were i don't think that counts as lying, either, if you just didn't know yet
[ ... ]
i don't really know if i need to say it or not but i'm not straight either
[ and, because he's trying to make this lighter, but like - also dead serious: ]
feels like lying why the fuck is it so hard to talk about this i know you of all people wont give a fuck but ive still been telling myself for the past like two months that i need to keep this shit as locked down as possible in case you get like disgusted or whatever even while youre sitting here every day making jokes about fucking dudes and like
[ ... ]
nvm sorry for getting sensitive and weird or whatever i guess this wasnt really about you like i said, im just tired of hiding things all the time tired of keeping kings a secret from people tired of trying to be someone people will like i hate being here i just want to be alone with you at the graveyard smoking weed and listening to music and laughing at all the stupid shit you say that makes me feel better
i know what you mean i've been telling myself the same shit, man "don't take it too far, don't give him a reason to think you're a freak, never get too serious about it" like you're some kind of secret bigoted asshole and not my friend like you're not the kind of guy who sticks up for people and doesn't give a fuck if people are different or whatever so long as they're authentic
i'm not disgusted, for the record i don't give a fuck what you like or don't like or, like, i do, because i care about you and what you've got going on but i'm not gonna try and beat your ass over it or stop being friends with you if that's what you were i don't know worried about
[ ... ]
we can make our own graveyard find some place nobody else wants to be and make it ours if you want
is that what you were worried about? that i was going to beat your ass or stop being friends with you.
[ he doesn't need to ask. he knows that's what's been going through billy's head. hard not to figure that out, when you have this much of a hyperfixation on honesty and people's perception. but - he still wants to talk it out. ]
i want that. even if it's just while we're at camp. just something we can sneak away to. i feel safer with you like, my dom is fine, the friends ive made here are fine but they're not from home they don't know me like you do
i guess nobody back home knows me like you do either, though
[ now that marcus is directly calling him out on it, billy feels kind of like an asshole for ever stressing about how marcus might react if he were to come right out and say he's into dudes, that he's into the stuff he and marcus do together, because - because it's marcus. he's never been shitty to billy, he fucking killed for him - smashed an ashtray over gene's head while that fucking prick was spouting homophobic shit.
billy never should have doubted him, but. ]
kind of? i guess i know you're not like that, but i don't know i guess getting my ass beat for it over and over again by my dad who didn't even truly know and assholes like viktor and chico who don't even fucking matter just kinda makes you feel like everyone's gonna react the same way it's stupid
i feel safe with you too like there are some cool people here i guess but no one really gets it, you know? you do, though. you get me, and i like to think that i get you
[ ... ]
i'm pretty sure i saw like an old watch tower or something out by the edge of camp i think this place used to be some kind of military base? looks like it anyway but the windows were dirty as shit so i don't think anyone's used it for a while maybe we could climb up there and if we don't plummet to our deaths it can be our spot
[ for lying. for not coming clean about a few of the other things he's still hiding. tate, henry. he can talk about honesty and swear loyalty to billy as much as he wants, but words are just words, at the end of the day, and these big sweeping gestures he keeps doing - making mixtapes, killing fathers - are just bandaids over the bigger, deeper cuts, here. he doesn't know how to make friends. doesn't know how to keep people. doesn't know how to not be selfish. he loves billy, but how much of that because billy is billy, and how much of it is because billy is here, with him, and loving him back? he'd like to say he knows the answer to that - but do normal people have doubts like these? thoughts like these? how much of his depression is real?
there's a delay before billy gets a follow-up message. ]
well... victor's gayer than both of us combined. not an insult, obviously. just a fact. i told you how i met him, right? we were in the showers and he was kicking shabman's ass. he was totally hard. dude's compensating. and chico? dude, his days are numbered. i'll take out anyone who hurts you. you know that.
i can meet you there. if you want. i kind of hate texting still.
[ the impulsive, stupid, childish side of billy wants to joke around and ask marcus why he was even looking at viktor's dick in the first place, but - time and place, and making dumb jokes right off the coattails of, more or less, both of them coming out, just seems kind of shitty, so. he doesn't. he laughs a little to himself, trying to imagine the scene - marcus walking into the showers, probably just wanting like, five fucking minutes to himself without someone being up his ass about something, and finding shamnam and viktor of all fucking people, half-to-buttass naked.
man. billy would rather drink bleach. he exhales slowly, feeling a little anxious, but - mostly okay. tired, definitely like he could burn a little grass. ]
yeah, okay. see you there in twenty? i gotta swing back by my tent first.
[ not that it's any of his business, but if they're going somewhere together, marcus wants to make sure billy is, like, completely on board with it. if he's going back to his tent to cancel his other plans, or... to put away something he would have been doing if marcus hadn't strong armed him into going to that new place of theirs now instead of later, then - that's something he needs to know, right? billy's not like the other people marcus knows. marcus wants to do things for him just to do things for him. he wants to make sure he's doing this right.
or - christ, is he overthinking this again? why is he overthinking so much in this conversation? marcus runs his hand back through his hair, taps out something quick. ]
sorry that was a strange and interrogation-adjacent question to ask twenty sounds good bring what you can find? vinyls or whatever doubt you thought to bring music to camp but yeah
[ billy, however, doesn't really seem all that bothered by the questioning. ]
i'm just grabbing the weed, dude i decided not to carry it on me these pockets are like an inch deep, i'm not risking it aside from that, all i've got is my board and all these clothes i'm not allowed to wear
i'll see what i can find, though if people are stealing shit from other people, we might as well get in on it too
[ what the fuck, his stupid uniform doesn't have pockets. he hates this fucking place. ]
thats actually not a bad idea, though. going through bags. security can't be that tight. i snagged willie's wallet the first day i met him right from under master lin's nose. i've got deft hands.
i'm only hitting up dom tents though not really into kicking the beaten when they're already down what do you say i be the distraction, you dip in and see what you can find?
can't believe i really am just giving out handjobs to anyone who asks.
[ "anyone who asks" being billy, despite the fact that it's marcus who keeps asking to fool around. real selective way of framing the current state of their relationship. ]
weren't you just hounding me about whether or not i wear underwear don't act like you're above me, dick
[ but billy laughs, starting to make his way back to his and geralt's tent so he can grab his shit before he and marcus start grabbing other people's shit. ]
my existence is already a distraction it doesn't take a whole lot, dude
at least i don't talk to girls with boyfriends who could absolutely kill me
[ that's... probably like every girl with a boyfriend at king's, honestly. also, billy's just joking about the whole googly eyes at maria thing. mostly. chico probably does want to kill marcus, but chico kinda wants to kill everyone, so.
anyway. onto... questions he doesn't really want to answer, despite this whole honesty thing they've just started getting into. admittedly, billy hasn't really... played the field, so to speak. fucking three times a month isn't much in the grand scheme of things, so he hasn't been sweating it too much - but it also helps that he's been able to meet quota just messing around with marcus, easy.
but how fucking pathetic is that, that he's just been banking on wanking with his friend? marcus has probably fucked a dozen people by now, which is fine - the dude deserves it, and he's attractive enough that he can't imagine it being easy to turn him down. billy's just - billy. the weird kid that even the weird girls don't like. he could probably find someone willing to show him a little pity (gross) if he tried, but honestly, the last casual hookup he had wound up making him feel kind of bad in hindsight, so... is it even worth it?
fucking - whatever. ]
nah, not really i get by with you, i don't really stress about it too much
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
or like you want it
just sounds like you'd deal with a bj if you had to
[ he doesn't know why he's tiptoeing around this - it's not the first time he and billy have talked about... things of this nature. marcus just still hasn't fully grasped that whole brave honesty thing. ]
not sure i want you flirting with someone while they're jabbing hot metal spikes into my face
assuming she's the one doing it
and assuming you even have the guts to say something to her
no subject
if you're into begging just say it
[ billy doesn't know why he always tiptoes around this shit, either. on the one hand, he doesn't really care what anyone thinks about his sexuality anymore - he's been called enough names, beaten up enough times by peers and family alike that at this point it's just - less tiring to not care about it, and he doesn't really think marcus would be shitty to him if he were to just come straight (ha) out and say that he's into chicks and dudes alike, if that much isn't already staggeringly obvious, but.
but it would really, really suck if marcus was, shitty about it, and the slight, lingering fear that maybe he could be wrong about his friend, and the fear of rejection itself, is probably what holds him back the most. you know, friendly handjobs aside. ]
i've dyed her hair for her and you think i don't have the guts to talk to her?
i've been inside her house, marcus
[ and none of that means anything because he'd probably still trip over his words if harley was at work while he was tagging along with marcus to get pierced. irrelevant. ]
anyway, like everyone
she's way way out of my league
i just think she's cool, that's it
no subject
i'm into hearing literally any semblance of sincerity from the person i'm trying to hook up with.
just a simple "yes, marcus, i would love for you to suck my cock" would do.
god damn.
[ he's - not sure why he's irritated, but. whatever. fear of rejection, maybe. they're the same, in that regard. ]
do you want me to give you a crash course in asking girls out?
not that i have much experience, either, but i saw how badly you screwed up with petra.
no subject
"blow me dude", is that not the same thing?
you're the poet here, dude, cut me some slack
okay listen
i may have come on a little strong telling her that i was in love with her but in my defense
god had abandoned us, left me hanging, so that's not my fault
like who seriously doesn't have quaker oats in their house?
even when we were shit broke at home we still had quaker oats
no subject
nvm
come to think of it i haven't seen a single box of quaker oats since i got here.
the whole city, i mean. obviously. not just camp.
maybe thats what we can do once we're back.
raid whatever stores will serve us on an insatiable quest for cereal.
no subject
do you really think i'm not being sincere
no subject
[ extremely unhelpful. marcus only types a little more because this is billy, of all people, and billy deserves it. ]
i don't even know what i'm asking for
keeping up a respectable distance padded by quasi-masculine bravado and tentative uncertainty has been the modus operandi behind our breaches into physical intimacy
seems like its fucked up of me to challenge that just because my feelings are hurt
fucked up of me to get my feelings hurt in the first place
no subject
[ that's immediate, zero hesitation, shot back to marcus within like ten seconds of his text. he's getting good at texting, apparently. however—
there's a lull, after that, a little heavy with tension at least on billy's end as he goes back and forth on whether or not he should say anything else. if he even wants to, or if he's okay with this thing they've been dancing around that marcus has way too many big words for. ]
i just don't want to make it weird?
[ another pause. ]
for you.
[ aaand another, longer this time. ]
i like what we do.
probably more than anything else i do with anyone else
no subject
right.
well, i'm sorry if i'm making it weird. for me.
personally, i'm kind of sick of the lack of transparency around here.
i lie every fucking day. i swear to god i didn't lie this much back home. it's exhausting.
i don't want to lie to you.
but i've lied to you since being here, too.
[ fuck - wait, he doesn't want billy to start questioning that, pulling at threads. he hurries - ]
like,
i'm not straight. i said i was. i thought i was.
but, like.
i'm not. you know i'm not.
i wouldn't be asking to suck your dick and getting hurt when you don't fucking break your ankles jumping at the opportunity if i were straight.
right?
no subject
is it weird to feel relieved when your friend comes out to you? it's probably weird, but billy feels relieved all the same, like there's a secret he doesn't have to stress about keeping anymore. not that he was ever keeping marcus' own sexuality a secret from himself, but. deciding someone's sexuality for them, even in the face of several instances of plausible evidence, isn't cool.
but jesus, now he also doesn't have to worry about marcus being some kind of secret shithead about his sexuality, either. ]
i mean yeah
i don't think straight dudes get upset when another dude turns down a BJ from them
not that i was turning you down because i wasn't
but it's not up to me to tell you you're probably not as straight as you think you are
or thought you were
i don't think that counts as lying, either, if you just didn't know yet
[ ... ]
i don't really know if i need to say it or not but i'm not straight either
[ and, because he's trying to make this lighter, but like - also dead serious: ]
and, i would love for you to suck my cock
no subject
why the fuck is it so hard to talk about this
i know you of all people wont give a fuck
but ive still been telling myself for the past like two months that i need to keep this shit as locked down as possible
in case you get like
disgusted or whatever
even while youre sitting here every day making jokes about fucking dudes and like
[ ... ]
nvm
sorry for getting sensitive and weird or whatever
i guess this wasnt really about you
like i said, im just tired of hiding things all the time
tired of keeping kings a secret from people
tired of trying to be someone people will like
i hate being here
i just want to be alone with you at the graveyard
smoking weed and listening to music and laughing at all the stupid shit you say that makes me feel better
no subject
i've been telling myself the same shit, man
"don't take it too far, don't give him a reason to think you're a freak, never get too serious about it"
like you're some kind of secret bigoted asshole and not my friend
like you're not the kind of guy who sticks up for people and doesn't give a fuck if people are different or whatever so long as they're authentic
i'm not disgusted, for the record
i don't give a fuck what you like or don't like
or, like, i do, because i care about you and what you've got going on
but i'm not gonna try and beat your ass over it or stop being friends with you if that's what you were
i don't know
worried about
[ ... ]
we can make our own graveyard
find some place nobody else wants to be and make it ours
if you want
no subject
that i was going to beat your ass or stop being friends with you.
[ he doesn't need to ask. he knows that's what's been going through billy's head. hard not to figure that out, when you have this much of a hyperfixation on honesty and people's perception. but - he still wants to talk it out. ]
i want that.
even if it's just while we're at camp. just something we can sneak away to.
i feel safer with you
like, my dom is fine, the friends ive made here are fine
but they're not from home
they don't know me like you do
i guess nobody back home knows me like you do either, though
no subject
billy never should have doubted him, but. ]
kind of?
i guess
i know you're not like that, but
i don't know
i guess getting my ass beat for it over and over again
by my dad who didn't even truly know
and assholes like viktor and chico who don't even fucking matter
just kinda makes you feel like everyone's gonna react the same way
it's stupid
i feel safe with you too
like there are some cool people here i guess but
no one really gets it, you know?
you do, though.
you get me, and i like to think that i get you
[ ... ]
i'm pretty sure i saw like
an old watch tower or something out by the edge of camp
i think this place used to be some kind of military base?
looks like it anyway
but the windows were dirty as shit so i don't think anyone's used it for a while
maybe we could climb up there
and if we don't plummet to our deaths
it can be our spot
no subject
i'm sorry.
[ for lying. for not coming clean about a few of the other things he's still hiding. tate, henry. he can talk about honesty and swear loyalty to billy as much as he wants, but words are just words, at the end of the day, and these big sweeping gestures he keeps doing - making mixtapes, killing fathers - are just bandaids over the bigger, deeper cuts, here. he doesn't know how to make friends. doesn't know how to keep people. doesn't know how to not be selfish. he loves billy, but how much of that because billy is billy, and how much of it is because billy is here, with him, and loving him back? he'd like to say he knows the answer to that - but do normal people have doubts like these? thoughts like these? how much of his depression is real?
there's a delay before billy gets a follow-up message. ]
well...
victor's gayer than both of us combined. not an insult, obviously. just a fact.
i told you how i met him, right? we were in the showers and he was kicking shabman's ass.
he was totally hard.
dude's compensating.
and chico? dude, his days are numbered.
i'll take out anyone who hurts you. you know that.
i can meet you there. if you want.
i kind of hate texting still.
no subject
man. billy would rather drink bleach. he exhales slowly, feeling a little anxious, but - mostly okay. tired, definitely like he could burn a little grass. ]
yeah, okay.
see you there in twenty?
i gotta swing back by my tent first.
no subject
[ not that it's any of his business, but if they're going somewhere together, marcus wants to make sure billy is, like, completely on board with it. if he's going back to his tent to cancel his other plans, or... to put away something he would have been doing if marcus hadn't strong armed him into going to that new place of theirs now instead of later, then - that's something he needs to know, right? billy's not like the other people marcus knows. marcus wants to do things for him just to do things for him. he wants to make sure he's doing this right.
or - christ, is he overthinking this again? why is he overthinking so much in this conversation? marcus runs his hand back through his hair, taps out something quick. ]
sorry
that was a strange and interrogation-adjacent question to ask
twenty sounds good
bring what you can find? vinyls or whatever
doubt you thought to bring music to camp but yeah
no subject
i'm just grabbing the weed, dude
i decided not to carry it on me
these pockets are like an inch deep, i'm not risking it
aside from that, all i've got is my board and all these clothes i'm not allowed to wear
i'll see what i can find, though
if people are stealing shit from other people, we might as well get in on it too
no subject
[ what the fuck, his stupid uniform doesn't have pockets. he hates this fucking place. ]
thats actually not a bad idea, though. going through bags.
security can't be that tight.
i snagged willie's wallet the first day i met him right from under master lin's nose.
i've got deft hands.
no subject
[ ey eyy. ]
i'm only hitting up dom tents though
not really into kicking the beaten when they're already down
what do you say
i be the distraction, you dip in and see what you can find?
no subject
[ "anyone who asks" being billy, despite the fact that it's marcus who keeps asking to fool around. real selective way of framing the current state of their relationship. ]
how are you planning to distract people, exactly?
no subject
don't act like you're above me, dick
[ but billy laughs, starting to make his way back to his and geralt's tent so he can grab his shit before he and marcus start grabbing other people's shit. ]
my existence is already a distraction
it doesn't take a whole lot, dude
[ ... ]
but i might just flash my ass if all else fails
no subject
except when it comes to talking to girls.
[ sorry to bring up the petra thing again, but christ, dude, what even was that. ]
speaking of that.
have you uh
[ ... ]
i mean
is that something you've pursued since coming here
[ wait, he didn't say what he's talking about, he just thought it. hastily - ]
like
getting fucked
or whatever
no subject
[ that's... probably like every girl with a boyfriend at king's, honestly. also, billy's just joking about the whole googly eyes at maria thing. mostly. chico probably does want to kill marcus, but chico kinda wants to kill everyone, so.
anyway. onto... questions he doesn't really want to answer, despite this whole honesty thing they've just started getting into. admittedly, billy hasn't really... played the field, so to speak. fucking three times a month isn't much in the grand scheme of things, so he hasn't been sweating it too much - but it also helps that he's been able to meet quota just messing around with marcus, easy.
but how fucking pathetic is that, that he's just been banking on wanking with his friend? marcus has probably fucked a dozen people by now, which is fine - the dude deserves it, and he's attractive enough that he can't imagine it being easy to turn him down. billy's just - billy. the weird kid that even the weird girls don't like. he could probably find someone willing to show him a little pity (gross) if he tried, but honestly, the last casual hookup he had wound up making him feel kind of bad in hindsight, so... is it even worth it?
fucking - whatever. ]
nah, not really
i get by with you, i don't really stress about it too much