i'm not stressing, i'm just being realistic. and attempting to couch your expectations. i don't have your skatepunk aesthetic on brand. i usually just draw sketches of people and shit like that. so.
[ so he kind of wants to draw billy on his board, but maybe that would be garish and obnoxious and fuck with billy's street cred. maybe he'll draw geralt. fuck, whatever, he's got time. ]
i want to do it. i just don't want to disappoint you. sorry for making this a whole thing instead of just diving into this like a normal person.
green and messy that's the beginning and end of my aesthetic if i even have one of those the bar is very low, dude i don't know how to stress enough that it's not even really about the art it's about you? like. whatever you do, that's the point you did it. draw a big fat dick on my board if you want to, i don't care i'm still gonna be like hell yeah, my best friend ligma did that, how fucking cool is that
[ okay. maybe billy doesn't want a fat schlong tattooed somewhere on his body - he might be pretty okay with his sexuality, but he's also not trying to get bashed whenever they figure out how the hell to get back home where people maybe aren't necessarily as chill as they seem to be in duplicity, but. fuck it - if that's what marcus came up with, then a big ol' dick it is. ]
drawing oscar the grouch on your board, then. ... actually, that was a joke, but it could be pretty good. oscar smoking weed. there's a contender for a tattoo. oscar smoking weed and stroking his big fat trash dick.
[ he is extremely pointedly refusing to comment on "ligma". that's happened twice, now. marcus should show restraint, rather than play his cards by immediately going for the kill, but he has exactly one trap card he knows how to use in response, and he's going to have to fucking play it. he'll give it a couple of seconds, but. it's coming. ]
i want piercings. i'd like to get my ears done. studs. rings. shit like that. maybe my brow, too. tattoos are so permanent, though... i like the concept, but you know me. i'm indecisive. noncommittal, sometimes. i don't know if i could. but i would like to. a more polished, refined version of me would get one.
not gonna lie, i don't hate it not sure how you'd get his dick in it considering it's probably massive not sure there's enough room for all that
you should get something done when camp's over hell, i think there's some kind of body decorating thing going on maybe if you get scheduled for that, turn up and get it done for free maybe get an infection for free too, but you get what you pay for?
if you wait, though i'll go with you, get something done too we can go to that one place in the down i do think you'd look sick with a brow piercing
you don't need to come with me when i get a piercing. i mean, i wouldn't say no, but. i'm not going to make you waste an entire afternoon on watching me get jabbed through the forehead with a needle.
that doesn't sound like an invitation or like you want it just sounds like you'd deal with a bj if you had to
[ he doesn't know why he's tiptoeing around this - it's not the first time he and billy have talked about... things of this nature. marcus just still hasn't fully grasped that whole brave honesty thing. ]
not sure i want you flirting with someone while they're jabbing hot metal spikes into my face assuming she's the one doing it and assuming you even have the guts to say something to her
[ billy doesn't know why he always tiptoes around this shit, either. on the one hand, he doesn't really care what anyone thinks about his sexuality anymore - he's been called enough names, beaten up enough times by peers and family alike that at this point it's just - less tiring to not care about it, and he doesn't really think marcus would be shitty to him if he were to just come straight (ha) out and say that he's into chicks and dudes alike, if that much isn't already staggeringly obvious, but.
but it would really, really suck if marcus was, shitty about it, and the slight, lingering fear that maybe he could be wrong about his friend, and the fear of rejection itself, is probably what holds him back the most. you know, friendly handjobs aside. ]
i've dyed her hair for her and you think i don't have the guts to talk to her? i've been inside her house, marcus
[ and none of that means anything because he'd probably still trip over his words if harley was at work while he was tagging along with marcus to get pierced. irrelevant. ]
anyway, like everyone she's way way out of my league i just think she's cool, that's it
i'm not into begging. i'm into hearing literally any semblance of sincerity from the person i'm trying to hook up with. just a simple "yes, marcus, i would love for you to suck my cock" would do. god damn.
[ he's - not sure why he's irritated, but. whatever. fear of rejection, maybe. they're the same, in that regard. ]
do you want me to give you a crash course in asking girls out? not that i have much experience, either, but i saw how badly you screwed up with petra.
did i not say that? "blow me dude", is that not the same thing? you're the poet here, dude, cut me some slack
okay listen i may have come on a little strong telling her that i was in love with her but in my defense god had abandoned us, left me hanging, so that's not my fault like who seriously doesn't have quaker oats in their house? even when we were shit broke at home we still had quaker oats
come to think of it i haven't seen a single box of quaker oats since i got here. the whole city, i mean. obviously. not just camp. maybe thats what we can do once we're back. raid whatever stores will serve us on an insatiable quest for cereal.
[ extremely unhelpful. marcus only types a little more because this is billy, of all people, and billy deserves it. ]
i don't even know what i'm asking for keeping up a respectable distance padded by quasi-masculine bravado and tentative uncertainty has been the modus operandi behind our breaches into physical intimacy seems like its fucked up of me to challenge that just because my feelings are hurt fucked up of me to get my feelings hurt in the first place
[ that's immediate, zero hesitation, shot back to marcus within like ten seconds of his text. he's getting good at texting, apparently. however—
there's a lull, after that, a little heavy with tension at least on billy's end as he goes back and forth on whether or not he should say anything else. if he even wants to, or if he's okay with this thing they've been dancing around that marcus has way too many big words for. ]
i just don't want to make it weird?
[ another pause. ]
for you.
[ aaand another, longer this time. ]
i like what we do. probably more than anything else i do with anyone else
right. well, i'm sorry if i'm making it weird. for me. personally, i'm kind of sick of the lack of transparency around here. i lie every fucking day. i swear to god i didn't lie this much back home. it's exhausting. i don't want to lie to you. but i've lied to you since being here, too.
[ fuck - wait, he doesn't want billy to start questioning that, pulling at threads. he hurries - ]
like, i'm not straight. i said i was. i thought i was. but, like. i'm not. you know i'm not. i wouldn't be asking to suck your dick and getting hurt when you don't fucking break your ankles jumping at the opportunity if i were straight. right?
[ it's a good thing marcus is quick to clarify, because there were definitely like - two seconds of confusion and mild betrayal there for a second. not enough time to start scrambling for what marcus could have been lying to him about this whole time, though.
is it weird to feel relieved when your friend comes out to you? it's probably weird, but billy feels relieved all the same, like there's a secret he doesn't have to stress about keeping anymore. not that he was ever keeping marcus' own sexuality a secret from himself, but. deciding someone's sexuality for them, even in the face of several instances of plausible evidence, isn't cool.
but jesus, now he also doesn't have to worry about marcus being some kind of secret shithead about his sexuality, either. ]
i mean yeah i don't think straight dudes get upset when another dude turns down a BJ from them not that i was turning you down because i wasn't but it's not up to me to tell you you're probably not as straight as you think you are or thought you were i don't think that counts as lying, either, if you just didn't know yet
[ ... ]
i don't really know if i need to say it or not but i'm not straight either
[ and, because he's trying to make this lighter, but like - also dead serious: ]
feels like lying why the fuck is it so hard to talk about this i know you of all people wont give a fuck but ive still been telling myself for the past like two months that i need to keep this shit as locked down as possible in case you get like disgusted or whatever even while youre sitting here every day making jokes about fucking dudes and like
[ ... ]
nvm sorry for getting sensitive and weird or whatever i guess this wasnt really about you like i said, im just tired of hiding things all the time tired of keeping kings a secret from people tired of trying to be someone people will like i hate being here i just want to be alone with you at the graveyard smoking weed and listening to music and laughing at all the stupid shit you say that makes me feel better
i know what you mean i've been telling myself the same shit, man "don't take it too far, don't give him a reason to think you're a freak, never get too serious about it" like you're some kind of secret bigoted asshole and not my friend like you're not the kind of guy who sticks up for people and doesn't give a fuck if people are different or whatever so long as they're authentic
i'm not disgusted, for the record i don't give a fuck what you like or don't like or, like, i do, because i care about you and what you've got going on but i'm not gonna try and beat your ass over it or stop being friends with you if that's what you were i don't know worried about
[ ... ]
we can make our own graveyard find some place nobody else wants to be and make it ours if you want
is that what you were worried about? that i was going to beat your ass or stop being friends with you.
[ he doesn't need to ask. he knows that's what's been going through billy's head. hard not to figure that out, when you have this much of a hyperfixation on honesty and people's perception. but - he still wants to talk it out. ]
i want that. even if it's just while we're at camp. just something we can sneak away to. i feel safer with you like, my dom is fine, the friends ive made here are fine but they're not from home they don't know me like you do
i guess nobody back home knows me like you do either, though
[ now that marcus is directly calling him out on it, billy feels kind of like an asshole for ever stressing about how marcus might react if he were to come right out and say he's into dudes, that he's into the stuff he and marcus do together, because - because it's marcus. he's never been shitty to billy, he fucking killed for him - smashed an ashtray over gene's head while that fucking prick was spouting homophobic shit.
billy never should have doubted him, but. ]
kind of? i guess i know you're not like that, but i don't know i guess getting my ass beat for it over and over again by my dad who didn't even truly know and assholes like viktor and chico who don't even fucking matter just kinda makes you feel like everyone's gonna react the same way it's stupid
i feel safe with you too like there are some cool people here i guess but no one really gets it, you know? you do, though. you get me, and i like to think that i get you
[ ... ]
i'm pretty sure i saw like an old watch tower or something out by the edge of camp i think this place used to be some kind of military base? looks like it anyway but the windows were dirty as shit so i don't think anyone's used it for a while maybe we could climb up there and if we don't plummet to our deaths it can be our spot
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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i don't have your skatepunk aesthetic on brand.
i usually just draw sketches of people and shit like that.
so.
[ so he kind of wants to draw billy on his board, but maybe that would be garish and obnoxious and fuck with billy's street cred. maybe he'll draw geralt. fuck, whatever, he's got time. ]
i want to do it.
i just don't want to disappoint you.
sorry for making this a whole thing instead of just diving into this like a normal person.
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that's the beginning and end of my aesthetic
if i even have one of those
the bar is very low, dude
i don't know how to stress enough that it's not even really about the art
it's about you? like. whatever you do, that's the point
you did it. draw a big fat dick on my board if you want to, i don't care
i'm still gonna be like
hell yeah, my best friend ligma did that, how fucking cool is that
[ okay. maybe billy doesn't want a fat schlong tattooed somewhere on his body - he might be pretty okay with his sexuality, but he's also not trying to get bashed whenever they figure out how the hell to get back home where people maybe aren't necessarily as chill as they seem to be in duplicity, but. fuck it - if that's what marcus came up with, then a big ol' dick it is. ]
would you ever get a tattoo?
piercing?
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... actually, that was a joke, but it could be pretty good.
oscar smoking weed. there's a contender for a tattoo.
oscar smoking weed and stroking his big fat trash dick.
[ he is extremely pointedly refusing to comment on "ligma". that's happened twice, now. marcus should show restraint, rather than play his cards by immediately going for the kill, but he has exactly one trap card he knows how to use in response, and he's going to have to fucking play it. he'll give it a couple of seconds, but. it's coming. ]
i want piercings. i'd like to get my ears done.
studs. rings. shit like that. maybe my brow, too.
tattoos are so permanent, though... i like the concept, but you know me.
i'm indecisive. noncommittal, sometimes.
i don't know if i could.
but i would like to.
a more polished, refined version of me would get one.
oh, that reminds me.
did you hear about deez?
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not sure how you'd get his dick in it considering it's probably massive
not sure there's enough room for all that
you should get something done when camp's over
hell, i think there's some kind of body decorating thing going on
maybe if you get scheduled for that, turn up and get it done for free
maybe get an infection for free too, but
you get what you pay for?
if you wait, though
i'll go with you, get something done too
we can go to that one place in the down
i do think you'd look sick with a brow piercing
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[ don't ignore him. ]
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[ but anyway. ]
you don't need to come with me when i get a piercing.
i mean, i wouldn't say no, but.
i'm not going to make you waste an entire afternoon on watching me get jabbed through the forehead with a needle.
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wouldn't say no to getting this one a day thing out of the way early
[ a n y w a y ]
oh yeah because my afternoons are so busy these days
i'm not gonna pass up an opportunity to watch you squirm
[ does billy really think marcus would have any issue getting a piercing? absolutely not, but it's fun to rag on your friends sometimes. ]
and the hot lady who owns the place might be there too, so
no subject
or like you want it
just sounds like you'd deal with a bj if you had to
[ he doesn't know why he's tiptoeing around this - it's not the first time he and billy have talked about... things of this nature. marcus just still hasn't fully grasped that whole brave honesty thing. ]
not sure i want you flirting with someone while they're jabbing hot metal spikes into my face
assuming she's the one doing it
and assuming you even have the guts to say something to her
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if you're into begging just say it
[ billy doesn't know why he always tiptoes around this shit, either. on the one hand, he doesn't really care what anyone thinks about his sexuality anymore - he's been called enough names, beaten up enough times by peers and family alike that at this point it's just - less tiring to not care about it, and he doesn't really think marcus would be shitty to him if he were to just come straight (ha) out and say that he's into chicks and dudes alike, if that much isn't already staggeringly obvious, but.
but it would really, really suck if marcus was, shitty about it, and the slight, lingering fear that maybe he could be wrong about his friend, and the fear of rejection itself, is probably what holds him back the most. you know, friendly handjobs aside. ]
i've dyed her hair for her and you think i don't have the guts to talk to her?
i've been inside her house, marcus
[ and none of that means anything because he'd probably still trip over his words if harley was at work while he was tagging along with marcus to get pierced. irrelevant. ]
anyway, like everyone
she's way way out of my league
i just think she's cool, that's it
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i'm into hearing literally any semblance of sincerity from the person i'm trying to hook up with.
just a simple "yes, marcus, i would love for you to suck my cock" would do.
god damn.
[ he's - not sure why he's irritated, but. whatever. fear of rejection, maybe. they're the same, in that regard. ]
do you want me to give you a crash course in asking girls out?
not that i have much experience, either, but i saw how badly you screwed up with petra.
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"blow me dude", is that not the same thing?
you're the poet here, dude, cut me some slack
okay listen
i may have come on a little strong telling her that i was in love with her but in my defense
god had abandoned us, left me hanging, so that's not my fault
like who seriously doesn't have quaker oats in their house?
even when we were shit broke at home we still had quaker oats
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nvm
come to think of it i haven't seen a single box of quaker oats since i got here.
the whole city, i mean. obviously. not just camp.
maybe thats what we can do once we're back.
raid whatever stores will serve us on an insatiable quest for cereal.
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do you really think i'm not being sincere
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[ extremely unhelpful. marcus only types a little more because this is billy, of all people, and billy deserves it. ]
i don't even know what i'm asking for
keeping up a respectable distance padded by quasi-masculine bravado and tentative uncertainty has been the modus operandi behind our breaches into physical intimacy
seems like its fucked up of me to challenge that just because my feelings are hurt
fucked up of me to get my feelings hurt in the first place
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[ that's immediate, zero hesitation, shot back to marcus within like ten seconds of his text. he's getting good at texting, apparently. however—
there's a lull, after that, a little heavy with tension at least on billy's end as he goes back and forth on whether or not he should say anything else. if he even wants to, or if he's okay with this thing they've been dancing around that marcus has way too many big words for. ]
i just don't want to make it weird?
[ another pause. ]
for you.
[ aaand another, longer this time. ]
i like what we do.
probably more than anything else i do with anyone else
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right.
well, i'm sorry if i'm making it weird. for me.
personally, i'm kind of sick of the lack of transparency around here.
i lie every fucking day. i swear to god i didn't lie this much back home. it's exhausting.
i don't want to lie to you.
but i've lied to you since being here, too.
[ fuck - wait, he doesn't want billy to start questioning that, pulling at threads. he hurries - ]
like,
i'm not straight. i said i was. i thought i was.
but, like.
i'm not. you know i'm not.
i wouldn't be asking to suck your dick and getting hurt when you don't fucking break your ankles jumping at the opportunity if i were straight.
right?
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is it weird to feel relieved when your friend comes out to you? it's probably weird, but billy feels relieved all the same, like there's a secret he doesn't have to stress about keeping anymore. not that he was ever keeping marcus' own sexuality a secret from himself, but. deciding someone's sexuality for them, even in the face of several instances of plausible evidence, isn't cool.
but jesus, now he also doesn't have to worry about marcus being some kind of secret shithead about his sexuality, either. ]
i mean yeah
i don't think straight dudes get upset when another dude turns down a BJ from them
not that i was turning you down because i wasn't
but it's not up to me to tell you you're probably not as straight as you think you are
or thought you were
i don't think that counts as lying, either, if you just didn't know yet
[ ... ]
i don't really know if i need to say it or not but i'm not straight either
[ and, because he's trying to make this lighter, but like - also dead serious: ]
and, i would love for you to suck my cock
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why the fuck is it so hard to talk about this
i know you of all people wont give a fuck
but ive still been telling myself for the past like two months that i need to keep this shit as locked down as possible
in case you get like
disgusted or whatever
even while youre sitting here every day making jokes about fucking dudes and like
[ ... ]
nvm
sorry for getting sensitive and weird or whatever
i guess this wasnt really about you
like i said, im just tired of hiding things all the time
tired of keeping kings a secret from people
tired of trying to be someone people will like
i hate being here
i just want to be alone with you at the graveyard
smoking weed and listening to music and laughing at all the stupid shit you say that makes me feel better
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i've been telling myself the same shit, man
"don't take it too far, don't give him a reason to think you're a freak, never get too serious about it"
like you're some kind of secret bigoted asshole and not my friend
like you're not the kind of guy who sticks up for people and doesn't give a fuck if people are different or whatever so long as they're authentic
i'm not disgusted, for the record
i don't give a fuck what you like or don't like
or, like, i do, because i care about you and what you've got going on
but i'm not gonna try and beat your ass over it or stop being friends with you if that's what you were
i don't know
worried about
[ ... ]
we can make our own graveyard
find some place nobody else wants to be and make it ours
if you want
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that i was going to beat your ass or stop being friends with you.
[ he doesn't need to ask. he knows that's what's been going through billy's head. hard not to figure that out, when you have this much of a hyperfixation on honesty and people's perception. but - he still wants to talk it out. ]
i want that.
even if it's just while we're at camp. just something we can sneak away to.
i feel safer with you
like, my dom is fine, the friends ive made here are fine
but they're not from home
they don't know me like you do
i guess nobody back home knows me like you do either, though
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billy never should have doubted him, but. ]
kind of?
i guess
i know you're not like that, but
i don't know
i guess getting my ass beat for it over and over again
by my dad who didn't even truly know
and assholes like viktor and chico who don't even fucking matter
just kinda makes you feel like everyone's gonna react the same way
it's stupid
i feel safe with you too
like there are some cool people here i guess but
no one really gets it, you know?
you do, though.
you get me, and i like to think that i get you
[ ... ]
i'm pretty sure i saw like
an old watch tower or something out by the edge of camp
i think this place used to be some kind of military base?
looks like it anyway
but the windows were dirty as shit so i don't think anyone's used it for a while
maybe we could climb up there
and if we don't plummet to our deaths
it can be our spot
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